Ok, so, i have been frustrated, especially recently, with the system of learning outside of this class. Yes, i have already pointed this out in other blogs, but by thinking about the system over and over again and what it entails, it has led me to another system in which we hopelessly get caught up in and it is driving me crazy.
I will cut out the middle man (which is me telling you how I arrived to this system via another system) and just say I am soo TIRED of making myself sooo busy. In the last couple of weeks, i have reflected upon what we have been learning and how i have grown the most, and the conclusion was by just sitting down and thinking through things have i grown the most. However, it seems that instead of setting aside time to think, I am getting lost in the never ending amount tasks i keep lining up before myself. I tell myself, "Ok, i have a 400 page book to read and a paper to write on it, i will think after I finish it", or even in the midst of thinking i feel guilty because i could be spending my time trying to catch up for other classes or working on somehing more important.
What is even worse than being caught in this cycle is I apply it even to my spiritual life. I feel like i cant even take the time to study God's Word and dwell upon Him without finding worry in the midst of all that. God is the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and i feel like i am walking all over that precious gift. Who am I to tell God that i cannot set aside time for Him in the time He has given me?
I mean, even if I am the only lousy person who does this in the spiritual life, we are all guilty of doing it in general, no? Some people may have more of a grasp on it than others, but my question is why? Im tired of it...im tired of this. I dont want to let my professors down...i dont want to let my friends down and this is where everything all comes crashing together. The system of grades...worried about the marks...worried about precious time. But, i think it is time to refocus my attention and the time God has given me and see how different things will be.
I really appreciate your post. I definitely feel the exact same way sometimes, and I feel like trying to comply with the demands of being successful in school and work are really conflicting with spiritual demands. It is so hard to keep focus on God and God's purpose, but sometimes the sacrifice it requires in other areas of our lives is necessary. And I have a super hard time coming to terms with that.
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